Setting sail.

Load the ship and set out. No one knows for certain whether the vessel will sink or reach the harbor. Cautious people say, "I'll do nothing until I can be sure". Merchants know better. If you do nothing, you lose. Don't be one of those merchants who wont risk the ocean.
Rumi Quote


I think that this is one of my problems, I don't want to move forward until I can be sure that it is safe to move forward. Even when I do feel spontaneous and decide to go for it, to just start running, my mind eventually catches up to me and shuts downs my momentum. I totally want to be able to just cast doubt from my mind and surrender to the moment. I've been feeling a roller coaster of emotions. I'm ready to just get off the ride. To be able to experience the emotion and then just let it go. I think that my frustration tends to exacerbate my emotions though so I find it difficult to just let them pass. I mull over them. And then the physical stuff starts to kick in. Lately, at night my throat has been feeling tight, which absolutely drives me crazy and I just get so frustrated.

But what can I do? Just wait for it to pass I guess. And in the meantime, try to find a way to not let it get to me so much. Lately, I have noticed that I let the things that bother me, really bother me. Yet, when I make progress or push myself I don't tend to recognize it as much. It's weird, I find that when I hear about other people making progress or doing new things, it is so easy for me to be glad for them and voice that excitement...or even when it comes to encouraging...I find it easier to be positive in others situations more than my own. And lately, my progress has been pretty good.

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to get to the DMV to renew my license before my birthday, which is on Wed. It's about ten minutes away from me...well, I finally made it to the parking lot only to discover....they had moved locations. Luckily, the location was not all that much further, maybe 5 more minutes away. But to me, where I am at right now, that's 5 more minutes away from my house that I have to deal with. I still do not know if I will be able to get there before Wed. I did make it to the temple again and then sat at a restaurant by my house by myself with some homework. I was rather pleased with myself.


"If you hear a voice within you say, 'You are not a painter,' then by all means paint…and that voice will be silenced."

— Vincent Van Gogh

I am going to silence the voice that tells me that I can't do things. I have to. I want my life back. I've been thinking lately, I keep telling myself that I will be happy when happens. But I think happiness is more than waiting for something to happen that I think will allow me to be happy. I believe that happy people tend to find some sort of happiness in whatever sort of situation they are thrown into. Happiness to me is more than an emotion, it's kind of like.... a way of living. I also think that I've been seeing agoraphobia as my enemy (of course it's hard to see it any other way!) when maybe I oughta stop putting that sort of judgment on it. Again, this is hard because I find it so frustrating at times but really, when I think about it, it is has sort of made me into who I am. However, it is not me. It's formed a lot of the way I think about things and how I treat people and the kind of understanding that I have towards others. Sooo, I guess I have to give it some credit...Plus, I think maybe, just maybe, I am missing the hidden value in this whole situation. Of course, I probably won't be able to really appreciate all of this until I can look back and be like, "So that's what it was trying showing me!" I am pretty much just rambling now, please excuse me, I think I needed to unload my thoughts for the night.