By kkaci at 2009-04-25
Today is one of those days where I'd just like to curl up with someone and forget about time. It's been dreary and cold all day which is quite the change from yesterday when it was about 90 degrees and gorgeous out. I haven't really had a bad day or anything but just feel kind of lonely and more separated from things than normal. It really upsets me that I am unable to have people over not even a therapist! I think it is completely unfair that I have to be the only one who has to change. I want to change, don't get me wrong but I think if I am being pushed to get over agoraphobia, my sister should also have to work on getting over her issues too. I feel that my mom seems to see my sisters point of view more often because they are more alike and sometimes I feel like the odd one out. Whenever I have wanted to do something with them, like painting around the house, my sister immediately gets an attitude and acts like I shouldn't be there. There isn't even any middle ground to work with on having people over except for sitting outside and even that tends to get an attitude from her sometimes. She was upset at me not too long ago because I tried to have someone over, during the day, while she was at school. I have a feeling it will be sometime before I am ready to move out and I hope that sooner than later I will be getting out and being able to see my friends more often. I'd really like to be around people who would enjoy my company rather than just feeling like I am being tolerated. I know my family loves me....but sometimes I just feel..well like I said, the odd one out.
For a long time, I have always hoped that someday I would find someone who would love me, baggage and all, patiently, in the good times and the bad...you know...who could see past this and truly love me. Well, maybe I need to love myself that way first and in time I will find that person and I will be able to love better because I love myself first. Afterall, I know I am far from ready for anything serious but I think I've convinced myself that if someone else loves me that much then that must mean I really am worthy of being loved even with agoraphobia. Because I feel unlovable sometimes because of it. But that is what I keep telling myself, I keep acting like I am not good enough because of it (and well, sometimes because of something someone has said or done in the past). Anyway, I am just rambling now, I don't even know if I am making sense anymore! Hehe, oops. I hope everyone is doing well! :)
5 comments:
If you don't love yourself, why would you expect someone else to love you? You need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. When you do, you'll be ready for love... Remember - You're as good as anyone else!
I have felt and still feel the way you do - that if someone would just come along and love me baggage and all- somehow that would make the world and life totally different and better.
But I am learning that is not the way it works. The person you are waiting to come along is YOU.
Be YOU. And stop caring what your mother, sister thinks etc.
Care what you think and do not define yourself by any one else's perception of you.
I am working on this myself. And has taken me a long time.
You are what you think of you ( and think of yourself well - with love and understanding do not beat yourself up) - you are not defined be others but by yourself.
Thanks Robert :) I guess I feel like any lovable quality I have is trumped by the agoraphobia. I'm working on trying not to think that way but it can be hard at times. I hope I find someone someday that is just as supportive and patient as you are with Marie. :)
Thank you Morrow, this is also definitely something I am going to work on. I think I need to convince myself that I am just as lovable as anyone else out there.
I need to convince myself that I am just as lovable as anyone else out there. - you are! YOU ARE!
Thanks Robert :D
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