Brick Walls

So lately I feel like I keep running up against brick walls. I've been getting out enough to feel like I am doing better, even venturing further every now and then but it doesn't seem like enough is progressing to make a difference. I am glad to be able to be getting out consistently.

I've been frustrated because I've been really unhappy lately. I am currently not seeing a therapist but I feel it would be helpful to find one. The problem is that I am not working, so I have no health insurance and paying for therapy is something I can't really afford to do at the moment. I've actually thought about trying to Linden Method, until I found out how expensive it is! I feel like I am running around in circles, obviously getting no where.

I'm 28 now, not working and am without a degree. I feel like I am just getting older. I've been working on things with shoes, but I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, business wise. Creating wise, is no problem. Figuring out the business aspect of things, well I just don't have any education in that area. I'd love to get a degree in fashion design but the one degree I found online was insanely expensive. Even with financial aid, I'd be in school debt till I was like, 80. I just wish I could find a hole in the brick wall somewhere. I'll keep looking of course but as you can probably tell from the tone of this blog that it has been wearing me down. All these brick walls are emotionally bruising to keep running into! This is one of those times where I just feel like if I didn't have the agoraphobia or if I was just strong enough to conquer it, my life would be open to so much more. I don't like thinking that way because that's just not the way things are. And I do believe that since agoraphobia is something I deal with, yet I find something I believe is possible, then there is a way. Even if it takes some creative thinking. The path less followed.

Fashion Show

Well the fashion show has come and gone. I can't believe it came so quickly! It was very exciting to be able to be a part of a fashion show but I was sad I wasn't able to actually be there. My friend who is helping me with Head Over Heels represented the shoes for me and said that the turnout was pretty good and that people really liked the shoes! So that was nice, I had so many worries this week. Worries that didn't even make sense. One of them was that my shoes would just fall apart on stage, like a bow or the flowers would fall off even though I know I always secure the designs the best I can. I was worried about putting up my designs to be judged. What if people didn't like them? And I had a lot of anxieties about it in general like just about being so anxious about the show that I would want to ditch last minute and end up letting a lot of people down.

So the anxiety was really up and down this week but I was determined to be in this show, I mean could it be any easier? All I had to do was give the shoes off to my friend and it was all in his hands. But there were times that I wished I hadn't agreed to the show and then there were times I was glad thtat I was doing this. Being a part of this show has given me a feeling of accomplishment. Like even though I don't get out much right now, I was still able to be a part of this and I was able to show off my designs.

I am very grateful that I have people who were happy to help me be a part of this and that the show went well. I'm grateful I found the strength to get through all of this. I know I am very blessed. I guess sometimes I really wonder what I can do that doesn't end up being taken over by anxiety. I'm tired of not having some sense of security of what I can and can't do. I've been feeling really lonely and isolated a lot lately and it is just wearing on me.

*sigh*

I get really frustrated with how simply anxiety can sap me of my confidence. It's like *snap* and I begin to doubt myself again. I've had a couple of good weeks, where I was getting out easier and feeling my confidence grow but these past couple of days I've been having trouble again. I just don't get it sometimes, why can't I do something today that I was fine doing yesterday? Or a week ago? If I've been there once before, why would it be difficult to be there again? I just want to be able to feel free. Like I can make my own decisions without basing them on anxiety. I am so tired of it.

I don't care to be "normal" anymore, but I'd sure as hell like to feel like I am in charge of my own life. I like it to be easy to make a grocery store run. I'd like to stop wondering if I will make it through my entire workout. I'd just like to know I can. I'd like to be able to go out on dates and go out with my friends, I feel so isolated and lonely lately.

*sigh*

Update

So these past couple of weeks have been slowly getting better. This weekend I got out a little bit. I went to one of the clubs near my house. It took me a couple of tries but I made it there! I only stayed for about 15 minutes but it's a start. Today, I went down the street to a car show at a restaurant near my house. A couple of my friends were there who I haven't seen in too long so it was really nice to be able to go and enjoy the weather and catch up with my friends. I was there for about 45 minutes.

Also, I have been occupied with working on shoes for the fashion show! I think in one of my previous posts I mentioned I was going to be a designer in one of the fashion shows around town. I have 6 models to work with and I am putting two pairs of shoes I have already made in and then making 4 new pairs. It's been good to have something to focus on. I am quite excited to see how people react to the shoes when they are in the show! If anyone wants to check out my shoes the page is www.facebook.com/pinkominko

Other than that, not much new. I have been using positive affirmations again and focusing on more positive thoughts. I still meditate but only for about 15 mins a day, I was going for 20 but I got really antsy towards the end so I shortened it up a bit. After getting out a bit this weekend, I really do miss when it was a lot easier for me to just go out and socialize and go out to eat and go on dates. I've never minded being single for some reason but I am kind of feeling that itch to want to connect with someone. Of course, it'd be a lot easier if I could actually go to restaurants to begin with. Can't really date unless I can get myself to go out on a date!

Bad week.

Ok, so last week was just a mess. By the end of the week, I really just wanted to give it the middle finger. Yeah, that's how I feel about you too, week.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where all the big stuff is enough that all the little stuff builds up too? That was my week. Monday started out with horrible anxiety. So much for rememebering the "air after the pain" (From my last blog) All I could think about was how I just wanted to be able to sleep and feel comfortable. I just couldn't sleep and it just added to the anxiety and it just ended up with me feeling terrified on and off until I was finally able to calm down. I was a bit sensitive afterwards for a few days but I managed to get back out and do stuff, like go to the store.

However, my car battery ended up dying for no reason whatsoever and then after jumping it, it was fine. One of the bigger things that I tend to worry about is being stuck somewhere. Luckily I got stuck up the street from my house but then I started worrying about what if it had happened futher away? So that's kind of put me off really trying to stretch my boundries for the moment.

A bunch of little stuff happened that just put me in a cranky mood for the rest of the week. It sucked.

However, the nice things out of it was that I was able to get the car jumped immediately by the guys that owned the restaurant I was getting take out from and that I was able to get through the bad days I had with the anxiety. I had help from a friend, which was very nice. Looking back now....it still sucked. But I am glad it wasn't worse.

I'm just really annoyed with myself and the anxiety. How much longer am I going to let it play me like a puppet?

The Air After Pain

Ok this post will be a bit long because it's part of a book I've been reading. The book is called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. When I read this part, it immediately was familiar to me towards how I react with anxiety. His battle was with cancer and his stories in this book are very enlightening and deep in meaning but simple to read and understand.

"Live for the air after the pain and there will be no reason to run."

Hippocrates said that pleasure is the absence of pain. Anyone who has ever suffered knows this is a deep truth. When I fell into the gauntlet of tests that awaited afther the pronoucement that I had cancer, I was terrified of being in pain. I introduced myself to every physician and nurse as Mark put-me-out Nepo. But with every procedure, there was some medical reason why I had to be awake. I came to realize that there was nowhere to run.

Once I accepted this, which took some time, I understood that what was most terrifying about my pain was the prospect that it would never end, that life would somehow freeze in whatever moment of discomfort I came upon. The terror gainred its power from not being able to imagine life beyond pain.

The breakthrough moment for me came the day I had to have yet anopther bone marrow sampling. For some reason, these were the worst for me. But with the appearance that day of some deeper grace, I suddenly saw it differently. I recognized thyat this very uncomfortable procedure lasted at most 40 - 50 seconds and I was arranging my entire life being in anticipation and avoidance of those 50 seconds.

The first time I realized I had a choice. The pain of those 50 seconds would be the same, but I could ground myself, including my fear, in the real fact that my life would resume after those 50 seconds. There would be light in the air, once again after the pain. For the first time, I felt in my soul that I was larger than my pain. This empowered me.

So many times, in our despair, we see our pain as something that will never end. In fact, this often defines our moments of despair; when we believe that our pain contains the rest of us. In contrast, there is this sense of peace to work towards: the belief that our life contains our pain.



Ok end of story. I found much truth to these words and can see how much of my life is lived in avoidance and fear. I won't say it will be easy to realize this when I am in the moment of fear but it certainly has given me something to think of!

Birthday weekend

So my birthday was on Friday! It seems like time is just going by so fast lately, I can't believe it is already April but I am sure looking forward to the nicer weather. I didn't really have any big plans as I haven't been getting out much and I haven't really tried to go out on the weekends in like, 3 months. I did get out for a bit on Friday so that was a great birthday gift to myself.

I've been exercising more and doing yoga twice a week and that seems to be helping. My overall mood seem to be calmer than it was a few months ago. I only do about a half hour of yoga and 25 mins of cardo a couple times a week but hey, if it makes a difference that's all that really matters!

Also, I am excited to say I am going to be in a fashion show in town in a couple months! I am thrilled to have been noticed with my shoes and asked and I am super excited to come out with some new designs! Things with the shoes have been keeping me busy and gives me something to look forward to. I only hope that things continue to keep growing!