Thursday, January 15, 2009
Desolate.
My positivity is running low. While I have managed to get out a little this week, it is driven by a growing fear, of being left alone. It's quite odd actually, for the most part once I am alone I am okay but watching people leave the house for the day or wondering when they will go is causing me much grief. I catch myself worrying about such irrational things yet I have trouble trying to stop it from taking over. I don't want to go to sleep at night, because I don't want to wake up to another day of struggling. I am so tired of the struggle, I feel like I have no fight left in me, but I am only struggling against myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I want to be a butterfly, to be able to fly above the chaos and destruction. To be free. I feel like I am in the dark, just sitting there because I no longer know where to go. Can someone hand me a light?
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7 comments:
Hi Kaci, in your comment (previous post) you said,
"I have no sense of purpose, nothing to wake up and look forward to ... I need a distraction that I can really get into but I don't know what I am capable of doing that would distract me enough."
With those words you shone the light you were after in the present post, I suspect.
Actually, I doubt it's a case of finding one single distraction though ... more likely a case of filling your life up with a balance of many little distractions, some physically expressive, some intellectually expressive, some emotionally expressive.
I read somewhere that every day we coop ourselves up in 'inactivity' we end up bottling and blocking up our creative 'life' energy (libido, kundalini, whatever it's called)? As I understand it, it's so important to get that life energy OUT of ourselves, to 'be' and 'do' and 'give' and 'create' and 'express ourselves' on multiple levels of our being. Practically speaking this means some daily artistic expression; plus some daily self-education; plus as much daily physical exercise as we can manage. Volunteer work is useful too, because it's emotionally expressive.
Get it? Self-expression on multiple levels as an alternative to rutting and stagnating and over-thinking those problems. It'll cure what ails ya, I'd bet on it!
Hi.
I wish i could offer you a solution to your problems. May i ask, why are you so afraid of being alone?
My therapist said to me on Tuesday.."You know your thoughts can't hurt you"...He makes a good point.
Sarah♥
Sarah- I feel that I cannot manage the anxiety on my own and that if I have an attack, I won't be able to calm down on my own. It's silly really because I have always been fine on my own but like I said it's the irrational thinking. I try to keep telling myself it's not the situation, it's the way I feel about the situation. That is a good point :)I dunno if I am afraid of it hurting me as much as just the way it feels.
Diver- I have been doing some yoga and meditation but sometimes I feel like the thoughts are still there in the back of my head. Do you have any suggestions that help you out?
Thank you both for the comments :)
Sounds like you need a big distraction. Now is the time to do the stuff you've thought about doing but down-prioritized. Like watching all the Lord of the Rings movies in one sitting, or finding out how many marshmallows you can fit in your mouth at once.
Just be careful not to throw up on the floor.
Hi again; yoga and meditation sound a bit like the opposite of what I was talking about in my previous comment. When I'm doin it tough what helps me most is just doing constructive activities about 12-14 hours a day : jewellery, house work, carpentry, farm work (=exercise), blogging ... I just keep on the move and keep my hands and mind occupied all the time. I guess it's 'making' and 'building' that does the trick for me.
About panic and being alone ... you've no doubt lived through hundreds of anxiety attacks in the past and survived them all, on your own, just fine. You know they'll pass, that they always do : it's a proven fact. Yes they're annoying, sure, but they always pass. I find when I remind myself of that historic proven fact, any panic attack is easier to bear. My personal motto there is the title of that old George Harrison song : "All Things Must Pass."
Press onwards Kaci, this midwinter rough patch will pass too. I can tell from the rest of your blog that you're resilient and will bounce back :)
Mr. Blue - Ok, I'll be honest...I did watch the LOTR trilogy all in one weekend. Heh. I've moved on to Harry Potter now. :)
Diver - I will look into some more projects that keep me moving. Maybe I will try to do some more glass work. :)
Hi Kaci
Im sorry your feeling this way.I cant really offer any words of advice, all i can say is that i know how you feel and i know how exhuasting it is to fight. It feels so unfair that things others find so easy to do is a huge struggle for people like us.
I wish i could offer some advice that would be of use to you but i dont think im the best person to give any advice!.
I hope things pick up soon, i find my positivity goes up and down constantly. One day i can feel really good and imagine myself getting better, getting a new job etc and the next day i'll feel like its not worth fighting for.
Take care
Rachael
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