As glad as I am to be able to put 2008 behind me, I am quite hesitant to be hopeful about 2009. In my heart, I feel like I will make some good changes this year. However, the inner critic comes to play and makes me worry about what is in store for me this year. I'm almost afraid to be hopeful in case I let myself down. I feel like I didn't get much accomplished this year, even though I did learn much about myself. Maybe I oughta work on giving myself a little more credit this year.
Anyway, so far this year has started out decent. I went out to eat with my family to an Outback very near my house. Although I didn't actually eat there (I got mine to go) I did manage to sit there for an hour! With a slightly better confidence, I also went to the gym to sit in the steam room and then on to Wal-mart, something I've meant to do for a couple months but haven't had the courage. I have had some anticipatory anxiety. I swear, that is almost as bad as the attacks themselves. Sometimes when I do really good, I then worry about when things will go bad again. Anyway, due to the anxiety, I haven't been sleeping well. I went over to my neighbors house at 8am the other day because I didn't want to be by myself. She was leaving for work but she has a little dog and two cats. So, I ended up laying down and taking a nap with the dog curled up by my back, one cat at my feet and the other by my head. I just wish I was better at focusing on more positive things than just worrying. I feel like by worrying about things, I am on my guard and so then it can't surprise me but all the worry just tends to make things worse. *sigh*
Ok, back to the positive stuff. I think that I have found a therapist who can help me out. She seems very nice and I hope that things work out with her. It has been a pain to find a therapist who will talk to me on the phone. I don't feel that I can go out to see a therapist yet and I also feel a bit nervous to have someone over. So, she is willing to chat with me on the phone until I get comfortable with her and then she will do home visits. :) I live very near the Hindu temple here and there is a guy there who is a spiritual teacher for the temple. He holds a class on Sundays at the temple that last for a half hour and I think that I will try to attend one. I am very interested in going and he can also help me with my meditation. On top of that, he offers councling! I feel very grateful, I realize that I have a rather large support group with all my friends and family and that keeps growing with these new people that are coming into my life. So who knows what will happen this year....
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2 comments:
That's a fine bunch of outings Kaci. So many online agoraphobic bloggers I read can't do any of what what you just described.
I found that the more familiar I became with places like restaurants and malls, the easier all outings became. It's like reconditioning - the more you do it, the less you fear it. That's how it worked for me anyway. I'd encourage you to keep pushing through the agoraphobia and claustrophobia of the sort of outings like you described, anyway :)
Wow, a handy Hindu temple with a spiritual teacher. Jackpot. I'm thinking the universe has put that within your reach for a reason! Bound to be something learnable over there ;-)
I haven't been in a restaurant for months so I was pretty happy.
Yes, I believe this experience will prove to be a very good one. I made it there today and I liked it. Plus it gives me another place to practice going to! :)
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