FB page

I made a facebook page for my shoes. I am quite excited. Please check it out and "Like" it if you're a shoe lover!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Head-Over-Heels/143746799026310

Just rambling on

The days are getting longer, warmer and I couldn't be happier. It may snow this weekend here but with the way the weather has been. it probably won't really accumulate. There were actually tornado warnings today. I am not a fan of tornado season, but I love that it's warming up. With the change in weather and more light, I notice my mood has been alot better. I have also been keeping myself a bit busier with the shoe art so that has been helping.

Loneliness has been kicking my butt, not just for someone in particular but for my friends too. I haven't really seen most of them this winter since I haven't been getting out much. I think I may have to put a more concentrated effort to pulling myself out of hibernation.

I was reading an article the other night that states that 20 to 30 minutes of moderate exercise 3x a week makes a noticeable difference in people who are depressed and help with anxiety. They did a study on people on meds vs people who exercise and those who exercised were less likely to have a relapse. I've been doing more cardio in the recent weeks and I have noticed a change. It could be in combination with the longer days and nicer weather but I've also been a bit calmer too. I've also been drinking chamomile tea before bed which seems to be having a nice calming effect as well.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Seems like this year has just been moving so quickly. I didn't go out last year because I was beginning to fall into a bad spell and I don't know that I will get out this year either but really, all I want is a cake from my favorite place. It is seriously like, the most amazing cake ever.

That's all with me, nothing too exciting! I hope everyone else is doing well.

New blog!

So I've decided to start a new blog to go along with my etsy shop. It's will mostly be about shoes and the shoes that I make and a bit more about my life that aren't centered so much around agoraphobia like this blog is. I will still be posting to this blog but I am going to try to do more posting to that one to get it started and would love if you would like to follow me on there too!

http://pinkominko.blogspot.com/

Winter melts into Spring.

So it has been warming up here slowly and I couldn't be more relieved. Granted, this winter was not as bad as last winter, I am so tired of the cold and the dark. Days are getting longer and I am having to wear less layers. Which is a plus because I am ready to change from coats to tank tops. Plus, my summer shoes are so much more fun than my winter ones.

I still haven't been getting out a lot. Lately, I haven't been wanting to try much. Sometimes I just don't feel like trying to calm myself down especially when it comes to going out on the weekends. Why spend an hour getting all dolled up to be out for 20 mins and feeling anxious most of the time. Maybe once the warmer weather settles in, I'll be more apt to going out.

I am a bit bummed, Lady Gaga is coming to town this week and my friend offered me a ticket to go with them. I adore Lady Gaga, I think she is fabulous. Her music is fun to dance to and she stands up for what she believes in and her fashion style is her own. I love her. I am very glad that my friend thought to invite me, it's nice to have good friends but it made me very sad to turn it down. Not only is the concert way out of my comfort zone but the thought of being around so many people and having to park so far away, it's just too much.

Which has got me thinking just how much am I going to continue to miss out on because of...myself? It's infuriating. I've passed up trips, concerts, all sorts of opportunities to make wonderful memories or grow closer to those I care about. it just makes me sad.

I am almost 28 and still in the same place I was when I was 18. I still have the same problems. *sigh*

I am working on another pair of shoes though, which I enjoy. I do hope I can make something out of this. I do hope I can make something out of myself. I don't want to be like this in another ten years...

Head Over Heels

So when I was young, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I had very little sense in style but it was my own and it was so easy to get away wearing bright blue leapord print leggings over light pink tights. as I've gotten older, my style is still my own but I have toned down the color combos a bit ;)

My heart, while loves fashion in general, has a very soft spot for shoes. I adore them, a really amazing pair of shoes makes me feel wonderful! My first encounter with a very amazing pair of shoes was last Valentine's Day, the guy I had been seeing was apparently more attentive than I had imagined and gave me a pair of my favorite shoe designer Christian Louboutin heels as a gift. I had never been much into designer shoes but those must have sparked something in me because I fell in love with a pair of YSL heels and Miu Miu heels that I had to have. The desire was quite persistent!

YSL

By kkaci at 2011-03-07

Miu Miu

By kkaci at 2011-03-07

Seriously, how could I not fall in love with these shoes?!

Anyway, recently my artwork has taken on a more fashionable approach. I have been "redecorating" shoes for people! I have been so excited about it. I am hoping to be able to get something started with this. It's always been difficult for me to hold a job dealing with the agoraphobia and I have felt that it would take a lot of stress off me to have an income again. A more reliable one. Who knows where things will go with all of this but I have been having a blast giving shoes a creative makeover. All the shoes started out as just plain basic pumps and this is what the end result is!


By kkaci at 2011-03-07


By kkaci at 2011-03-07


By kkaci at 2011-03-07


By kkaci at 2011-03-07

I did start an etsy shop too, something I have been meaning to do so it was quite nice to get that started. For two months I dragged my feet, I think I was worried nobody but me would like my Head Over Heels shoe art but it can't hurt to see where things go!

Negativity in the lead

There are many things that frustrate me beyond belief with the agoraphobia, but I think one of the things that just completely drives me nuts is having a rough time doing the little things.

Tonight, for example, I ordered food to-go and I had to go pick it up. The place is like, 5 minutes from my house, literally down the street and I had anxiety about going. Driving there, feeling the anxiety building, made me really angry. Why...WHY does it have to be such a pain in the ass to do something so SIMPLE for most people? Going to the grocery store, going to my neighbors, running errands, all close to home yet it still has the ability to cause me anxiety. While I am grateful I have days where I can do all this with very little anxiety, it's been more difficult than not lately and it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain from my head for awhile, get a break from the guard duty that is constantly going on in my head, like a surveillence camera.

Most of all, it makes me feel incompetent, incapable. Framing the ever defeating question..."what is wrong with me?" On my good days, I can find a way to ignore the question, knowing abnomality, problems, etc are normal but on the bad days it looks over my head, following me everywhere I go. Even writing this, I feel the negativity eminating from my body. I know I am being negative, I feel it and I hate it but it sucks me in when I am this down and out. I know deep down I am usually happy, at least I know happiness outweighs the negativity...like 60/40. But on the bad days it's more like 80/20 negativity in the lead.

Ok, I am done, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully positive posts will soon follow.

Damaged goods.

So, things have been fairly dull this winter, but I suppose when one doesn't go out much or really...do much of anything, it's to be expected. I've mainly just been working on my art projects and getting some ready to sell. I am hoping it will help me with an income because at the moment I am living off my savings, which probably won't last long considering with the agoraphobia it's been hard to maintain a steady job. I've finished a couple more pairs of shoes, which makes me really miss being able to go out on the weekends because they are great shoes for such things. I did manage to at least attempt to go out this weekend. I made it to the club but it was at capacity and when I got inside, it was just too crowded for me. But I am glad that I at least made it inside this time.

I'm really frustrated with my ex. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys me chasing him because he chased me when we started and it took me longer to fall in love with him. Everytime I start to go my own way, he does something to pull me back in, then push me away again. It's utterly stupid, but I fall into it easily. Sometimes I wonder if he really realizes how harsh his words are to me. He told me the other day that while he didn't mind dealing with it when we were dating, he no longer had to deal with the agoraphobia anymore. I suppose maybe this might seem like an innocent comment but it really hurt me. Why is it something that somebody has to "deal" with? Like a unpleasant chore or job. Why does it always come back to the anxiety? I realize it's a difficult thing to deal with but if it really wasn't a big deal to him while we were dating, why'd he have to throw it back in my face now? I'm sick of men talking to me like I am damaged goods, like if I didn't have the anxiety, I'd be so much better. Hello, I already feel like this without those comments! Everyone out there who has ever experienced any sort of life is damaged goods. We as humans weren't meant to be perfect. In my darker days, I do worry I won't ever meet a man who will love all of me but on good days I feel like there will be a man out there who will see me, all of me, and love me fully and not talk to me like things would be so much better without my problems. Maybe once I stop talking to myself like it is holding me back, maybe other people wouldn't either. I suppose it is easy to lay the groundwork for guys to talk to me like I am damaged goods, when I myself talk about myself the same way. I don't know how to effectively prepare someone for such things though without talking down on myself. It is very difficult to date me when I get depressed and strongly agoraphobic, maybe I just need to date stronger men. Oh well, that is really the least of my worries this year.

I'm in some weird purgatory between feeling content and feeling sad. On one hand, I have a future of my own to look forward to. One with new possibilities and finding myself and being happy. On the other hand, I still feel a sadness over the loss of a relationship and the loss of the freedom I had worked hard to get a year ago. I am glad to not be dealing with the utter depression I was feeling a few weeks ago, I just hope to move forward, not fall back into it.